Holy wow! I have had an emotionally tumultuous day today. I know, I probably shouldn't be surprised, right? I am known to be all over the map, not only in what I do but in my emotional state as well. So, today I woke up in a rather melancholy mood for no real apparent reason. Wow. I just can't get over how emotionally charged I am right now! Yee. Shew. Regroup, Audrey, compose yourself.
Okay. So, Little Mister and I decided to go see a friend at the Great Big Texas Home Show. Little Mister kept referring to the venue as Cowboy City rather than Stadium. He was an absolute perfect child today. This mommy was beaming from ear to ear all day. He demanded to wear his cowboy boots and cowboy hat (yes, like traditional not supporting the football team) without having any idea where our day's field trip would be. I could not tell you how many people walked past us complimenting him on his attire. It got enough out of hand that I taught him how to gently grab the brim of his hat, lifting it and saying, "thank you, ma'am (or sir)." Mom's showboat stole the show again. I know, we, as mothers, all say the same thing about our children. THAT is part of our job. Seriously though, I wouldn't brag if he wasn't worth it. That kid. He's something else. So, we walked all around the 100,000 square feet of the stadium collecting a huge and heavy bag of free swag. My friend is doing super awesome with her endeavors. "Change your coffee. Change your life." You go, girl! I felt so good that we were able to be there to show our support. When we were departing, she and her husband apologized for being so busy that we didn't get to visit. Wha-what??? I told them that if we had had time to visit, I would have been very disappointed. I congratulated them on the changes coming to pass for them and we were headed home.
Since I woke this morning, I have had a lot of self-doubt and questionning going on in the back of my mind. I suppose I can thank the Gemini duality for being able to carry one emotion on my heart and wearing another on my face. Only those nearest and dearest to my heart can see through my facade. I have been wondering, like I often do, am I where I am supposed to be? Am I doing everything that I am supposed to be doing? Is there anything, anywhere that I am missing? My love informed me during this time of reflection that I spend too much time overanalyzing everything rather than just seeing what is right in front of me. Okay. I can give some creedence to that statement. He keeps me grounded; one of the reasons I love him. He makes me take pause when my brain is going faster than I can actually think. However, I was simultaneously having a conversation with a dear, old friend. Yes, the same one that I referenced catching up with the other day. It seems that we are experiencing something on the supernatural front. I know he is going to read this, roll his eyes and remind me that he is not a dreamer. Oh well. She agreed to dream with me today and as it turns out, dreaming equates to brainstorming when not done alone. It has been several years since I was privy to an experience like this. I've shrugged this feeling off before and kept to what is real only to look back and wonder "what if?" I am going to follow this feeling through this time. I know I have also mentioned that I have had a bad habit of quitting and running in the past. I have proven to myself over the last few years that I CAN finish what I start and I CAN get the results I hope for. So, there is more hard work until we get there, but it is going to happen! You know, it's like this: if the finished product ends up only being something for us, it will be complete and all of this emotion will not have been wasted.
Back to my semi-meltdown. I'm very busy questionning everything that I am, want to be, wish I was, am trying to be, am hoping for, am striving for, have been working toward. You know. Pretty much everything. Am I the best mom that I can be? Ahhh. Well, while I'm busy asking all these rhetorical questions, I remember a sign I saw on a church when I lived in Weatherford. It said, "I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time." See? I told you I go through this phase all the time. When I saw that sign, I just zipped it and went into a meditative state so I could feel the answers to my questions. I looked over as we passed a church in Burleson and it said, "Be still for I am God." This isn't stuff I would typically share with any audience. One of the many lessons I learned from my Father..."There are two things you should never talk about with friends; politics and religion." Of course, me being the rebel that I am, I have tested this hypothesis with many very close friends. We managed to evolve from the conversation friendship still intact. I try to be careful in my talking to people to bring either subject up. I don't ever want a difference in beliefs to come between me and a friend. Anyway. That being said, I do not mean to offend anyone with my God-talk and hope that no one does take offense. Just remember, that is why we should be proud to be Americans. We can openly believe whatever we choose and we are free to speak of it as well. Trust me, no one will ever get judgement here.
Okay, okay. Back to the day. So, I shed many tears today. Some were out of frustration, some out of confusion and finally, some out of enlightenment. I am really ecstatic that we made it through that cycle in a span of less than eight hours. This can usually ride like a roller coaster for weeks at a time. I bet you might be wondering what my final thought was before this blog. Well, maybe you thought no such thing. I suppose it is moments like this that good ole Pop taught me not to assume. Haha. Anyway. I am thinking of changing the theme of my blog here. Yes, I will always want to tell everyone what is on my heart to say but in the other corner of my mind I am writing a fantastic piece of fiction. I blame said dear friend for that in the most positive of ways. As I wait for her to complete the book that I have been reading for her, I am so inspired. Like incredibly so. I want to test some things out on you all. Would you be willing participants? This could be the start of something big.... Stay tuned.....
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