Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The only thing consistent in life is inconsistency.

Do you ever get the feeling that you need to just word vomit and get stuff out of your head? Yeah, well, I do. I've been mulling over a lot the last several weeks. I feel like I can't even vent here now. I know of a couple of people, at least, that are watching what I do and what I say and figuring ways to hold it against me. I figure that my safest path is silence. I definitely don't like the feeling of being censured. Many of you have been following what I say for a few months now and it makes me feel pretty cool to know what I say is appreciated enough to be read by at least a few.

This year has been pretty tumultuous. I've had more opportunities than I ever dreamed would be availed to me. I have enjoyed the absolute freedom of making decisions based on want not necessity. Yes, there were some things that HAD to be done just like always happens but I feel so incredibly lucky to have had the chance to try different things out. Here I am many months later with a book being published, a son starting pre-k, a family that is there for me no matter what, a perfect job and some of the best friends (new and old) I could have ever dreamt of.

As I tell you all of this and try to find the silver lining that I always manage to find, I feel these dark shadows beginning to envelop me. As you know, I spend a lot of time self-reflecting and I can't exactly figure out where this darkness is rooting or where it originated. Have things gone just as I always planned? Uh, no. They never seem to. I have learned through the years how to embrace the good moments even if the final product doesn't turn out just as imagined. If I allow myself to dwell on the negative, I feel myself falling into a realm of despair. I'm not going to do it. I refuse. I just need to take some time to come to grips with what is, what was, what will never be. I need to dig my heels in and turn the corner of this new path I am on.

I guess I want you all to know that if you ever do feel hopeless, it happens to all of us at some point or another. Just remember you're not alone. I forgot how much energy a full-time job takes from your being, too. This has been one hard adjustment! I, honestly, don't know if I will ever get "used" to it.

I will still dream of the day that my days are mine. I will still dream of the days that I live in the mountains and spend my days writing novels. It can happen. Stay tuned....