Do you ever get the feeling that you need to just word vomit and get stuff out of your head? Yeah, well, I do. I've been mulling over a lot the last several weeks. I feel like I can't even vent here now. I know of a couple of people, at least, that are watching what I do and what I say and figuring ways to hold it against me. I figure that my safest path is silence. I definitely don't like the feeling of being censured. Many of you have been following what I say for a few months now and it makes me feel pretty cool to know what I say is appreciated enough to be read by at least a few.
This year has been pretty tumultuous. I've had more opportunities than I ever dreamed would be availed to me. I have enjoyed the absolute freedom of making decisions based on want not necessity. Yes, there were some things that HAD to be done just like always happens but I feel so incredibly lucky to have had the chance to try different things out. Here I am many months later with a book being published, a son starting pre-k, a family that is there for me no matter what, a perfect job and some of the best friends (new and old) I could have ever dreamt of.
As I tell you all of this and try to find the silver lining that I always manage to find, I feel these dark shadows beginning to envelop me. As you know, I spend a lot of time self-reflecting and I can't exactly figure out where this darkness is rooting or where it originated. Have things gone just as I always planned? Uh, no. They never seem to. I have learned through the years how to embrace the good moments even if the final product doesn't turn out just as imagined. If I allow myself to dwell on the negative, I feel myself falling into a realm of despair. I'm not going to do it. I refuse. I just need to take some time to come to grips with what is, what was, what will never be. I need to dig my heels in and turn the corner of this new path I am on.
I guess I want you all to know that if you ever do feel hopeless, it happens to all of us at some point or another. Just remember you're not alone. I forgot how much energy a full-time job takes from your being, too. This has been one hard adjustment! I, honestly, don't know if I will ever get "used" to it.
I will still dream of the day that my days are mine. I will still dream of the days that I live in the mountains and spend my days writing novels. It can happen. Stay tuned....