Meandering Along

Well. That was a sobering realization. I have not realized that I have not posted since the beginning of this year. I guess that will give me a bit to chat you all up about this evening. Let's see...back to the first of the year.....

I don't think I can recollect the events that far back with any real sense of clarity. I'll just give you the bulleted version. I did hit another plateau and then decided events should take another turn. As I always seem to do.

I gave my career some real thought and weighed in the writing that I do so love. There are not many things that I have been able to do during the somewhat mundane, yet gratifying, daily grind. Do you know what I mean? I had the blessing of a six month sabbatical from full-time, typical employment. Those of you that have been with me since the beginning know where I started.

I wrote a book.

 

Through the course of the struggles of this year, I lost contact with my PR contact and have done absolutely nothing to promote my own piece of work. The book is now available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. However, what good is that if I don't expend any energy to make it what I DREAM of it to be? I envision a series of fictional stories that are so intertwined that one ALMOST wants to see a new soap opera hatch!

The other day at work, a new friend of mine and I were comparing notes and it was phenomenal the things that we had accomplished that we had completely forgotten about. He's a published photographer and quite talented if I say so myself. At any rate, it was a very sobering moment that I have, again, lost myself. Yeah, I'm good at the job I do now. Sure, I'm making enough money to support the lifestyle that I want for Little Mister. It's just that between getting up at 5:15 a.m. every morning and retiring for the day by 9:30 p.m. and all that goes on in between those hours, I find myself exactly where I always seem to end up.

The roses continue to bloom and fade away with each season, yet I can hardly fathom the way they smell.

After another wake up conversation with my sister and her dearest friend prior to the realization last week that I'm losing time, yet again, I decided to do something about it. 2013 has not been a loss by any stretch of the imagination but I still have that little voice on my shoulder saying, "Psst. What are you doing?" That little voice is me. I have listened so many times and really achieved true happiness. So, I listened to not only my little subconscious voice but considered the voices of those that care about me and have seen the transformation from happiest person ever to the me that lives wearing black all the time and coloring my hair several shades darker than normal.

I did it. I applied at a publishing house. I felt pretty amazed with myself putting everything down in writing that I have accomplished. I have been published a couple of times. I did finish college again in July this year and have the credentials of MBA to brag about. I have really had some good experience that has brought my writing skill from good ability to transition thoughts to words to true professional writer. After I wrote my letter of intent, I knew I was headed back toward the path I want to be on.

I am a mother, first and foremost. I make time to try and date but it doesn't work out because I am just not willing to share my life. So, I typically just hang out and help my sister take care of our home (One of the big events of the year. We combined households for the betterment of all.) We do watch a lot of t.v. Haha. So as my brain becomes a little jellied, I have to pick up my creative pen again, so to speak, and do more before I can't do anything at all.

I did express that I am open to whatever role I may be useful for with this publishing house. I don't care if they want me to  bring the editors coffee every Saturday morning. I just want to get my foot in the door so I can learn everything there is to know about this business.

I do have plenty more to talk about but I'll save something for future blogging, like maybe tomorrow. Stay tuned.....

...And babies don't keep

 

 

As you know I have a sappy, sentimental side. I had one of those moments the other night. My baby boy is creeping up on five years old. For those that are parents, it is well known and obsessively discussed how fast children grow up. It is a topic that is as common as the weather for silence filling conversation. How often do we actually delve into the moment? How often do you hold your children and try to memorize what their scent is? So many tragedies of late... So many horrific things that happen that cause us to look around us and have MOMENTS of appreciation. Life moves so fast. Our days are consumed with responsibility and demands.

 

The other night I actually took the time to really enjoy my baby. I try to take the time to do this. It usually happens if I am feeling guilty for not spending enough time with him. I have an eternally guilty conscience. I am one of those people that will dwell on things that I feel I could have or should have handled differently. Well, the other night I was being particularly hard on myself. I was reflecting on the tone of voice that I've been guilty of using. I thought back to a couple of times that I've squashed excitement because I was in a bad mood or just didn't feel like being patient. At any rate.

 

Little Mister was watching television in my bed. I figured he was long gone from the world of wakefulness but he wasn't. He was snuggled up, watching a show and smiled his sweet, innocent, unconditionally loving smile at me and popped his thumb in his mouth. I have started to cringe at bed time when the thumb comes out because I immediately think of the orthodontia bill his comfort will cost me later. He asked if he had to go to his bed and I, for a change, said, "No, baby. You can fall asleep with me tonight." Yes, he has slept with me most nights of his life. I didn't intend to practice co-sleeping but that is a luxury I absolutely have not sharing my bed. He will graciously sleep in his room more often than not now but I wanted to have him near me to satiate my need to relieve the guilt of not being his best as often as I should have lately. So, I turned on my 20 minute slumber music. I told him to roll over on his side so I could hold him. I wrapped my arms around his little body and nuzzled my face up to his hair. I tried my best to memorize his smell and thought of all the fun and wonderful things he and I have done together.

 

As my mind started to slow down for sleep, I kept reminding myself that this moment would one day be lost. One day very soon, he wouldn't want to fall asleep with me nor would he fit in the cradle of my arms. It was just yesterday that I rocked him to sleep and he couldn't look me in the eye and say, "I love you, Momma." It was hours ago that he didn't know the alphabet or how to count to thirty. Just moments ago...

 

One day I will be trying to conjure the memories of what he was like when he was four. Am I going to forget as much as I have about my own childhood? Already, there are an endless amount of photos to capture moments but do I have enough? Will I be able to remember every moment?

 

Then comes the harsh reality that no times is guaranteed. There are so many in this world that have experienced the heart ache and unimaginable loss that I don't even have the nerve to try to aptly cover in the typewritten word. It is impossible to alleviate or understand a pain that I can't even begin to comprehend. That being said, I will forever treasure every possible moment that I can. Figuratively and literally, I will rock my baby because babies don't keep.

Do you trust Monday?

I really have felt inspired to write lately. Here's the thing or things, if you will, where is the time? I do miss the few days I actually got to make my own schedule and do as I pleased with my time. It really was glorious. I would never give back those few precious months. I did what I wanted. I spent time alone, time with friends and, most importantly, time with my son. Those were days that will never come again and can never be replaced. It makes my adrenaline soar to think back on that last summer. Do you know what the coolest thing is? I have a new motivation. I have a new dream and now I am full of hope.

Have you ever been in a dark place and not realized it until it was a memory? I think back on the several years that I really thought I was advancing. I thought I had a plan, a goal. Did I? Apparently not. So, here I sit now. I finally have a grip on what life has brought me to this time. I have a consistent schedule. There are consistent demands of my time. Is it a dream come true? No, not really. I won't complain though. I was afforded a memory that I now dream of becoming permanent. There is nothing I want more in my life now than to be independent of constraint.

As you all must be aware, I did write a book in my previously granted "free" time. I got word from the publisher at the end of last week, that the pre-order shipment is headed to me for signatures. Then, I got an email from the marketing and promotions team. I have a lot of work to do now! I heard that the real work doesn't start until after the book is written. I really had no idea. I have so much to do. So, now I'm back at work full-time, working on my MBA, being a Mom, living life and now I have this part-time job of working on my book promotions! Haha. It is great. I am living life to the fullest. Now I just need to get to work on the rest of the books I have planned to make this a real series.

Order the first of the series here: http://inkwellproductions.com/shamed.htm

Something else cool that I recently realized about myself is that I do think in pictures. I know, kind of weird. I realized this when my four year old was drawing and he told me he was writing a story. A light bulb went off in my head... I thought, "Oh wow. I do the same thing!" The difference is that I know how to write the words that populate with the pictures and he isn't quite there. I guess this capability I have discovered in myself is where my creativity lies. People have told me I'm creative. I have tried so many different avenues to prove my creative ability. I've drawn, scrapbooked, made jewelry and I have at least tried a dozen or more arts and crafts related things and absolutely nothing turns out the way I envisioned. I actually started to think that I have no creativity. Then, I remembered that writing is an art as well. I can crank out some words now. School has been such an easy task for me. While some people struggle to spit out a paragraph or two, I can crank out pages without even thinking twice. Most of the time I don't even proof very well. If I didn't get a red squiggly line under a word, there must not be any mistakes. I managed to write my entire first draft of a book, for the love of heaven, in about two weeks. Any way. My point here is, discover yourself! I do believe that everyone has something that they can do that is creative. Some people are good with make up while others can put together a stellar living room ensemble. Have you figured out what you are good at? There is something so gratifying about doing something and just knowing that you did it well. Go on, give it a try!

As you may know, I can go on and on. I'll leave you now but not for long! Keep dreaming and stay tuned....