MS = My Story

I haven't blogged in so long and now I am changing the purpose. I've been told that my blog is akin to an online diary. That's true I suppose and I don't feel that to be entirely negative. My inside voice is always talking and this is my venue to get it out. Maybe I won't lose sleep over things like zombie apocalypses and that one song that I can't remember what it's called but loved it in high school because those are important things to ponder at three in the morning, right? I digress... The topic I plan to center my online diary a.k.a. blog around now is Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and my oh so personal experience with it.

I have decided that life is a roller coaster. There is no way around it. If one is living at all there are always ups and downs and spirals and things that will make you yearn for two feet to be on the ground and the world to just hold the hell still for a few minutes. If you are LIVING, life will take your breath. There will be moments embedded all over the place that when you look in that rear view mirror you will want to smile, laugh, cry, REMEMBER. I think we have all read that life is measured by moments and I am here to say that is an absolute piece of solid, epic truth.

Rewind my memory...September 11th, 2001. Everyone remembers the day. There is no doubt. I always joke that important things in my life need to happen on holidays or days that are marked some other way so I don't forget. Like I would forget a day that something important happened to me! Ha... Back to the story. I woke up that morning because my home phone was ringing off the hook! I had called in to work because I just wasn't feeling right. That was possibly self induced. More on that much later. The job I had at the time was near downtown Dallas and happened to be right around the corner from the World Trade Center. The part of my frontal lobe that developed at around age twenty five was still immature and I was very self involved. I, honestly, didn't realize that those two really tall buildings in New York City were THE World Trade Center. I have no idea how that piece of geographical, historical information was obliterated from my thinker but it was missing. So, my phone was ringing because my Mom was calling me. She kept saying, "They are bombing the World Trade Center!!" Selfish me kept thinking what a blessing it was that I had called in to work. Then, I turned the TV on. The 2nd most traumatic event I saw on television was the space shuttle blowing up when I was in 2nd grade. To date, nothing will ever erase the first images I saw of either incident for sure but 9/11 images are forever emblazoned in my conscious thoughts as seems to be the case for so many people. Not to detract any amount of any emotion for anyone in relation to this catastrophic event but that was also the day I realized that my left eye ball wouldn't stop moving.

I had no idea how to describe what was happening nor did I know what on Earth to do about it. I waited a few days before I really tried to grab my Mom's attention with this weird roving eye ball situation. Once I told her what was going on, I had doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I cannot recall how many docs I saw over the next month. The only test that really stands out in my mind was worse than what I imagined Chinese water torture to be. This doctor was convinced I had some ear infection that was affecting my optic nerve. The water torture concluded and there was nothing notably wrong. At this point, I had to keep my eye closed in order to function. Following this last round of physicians and testing, Mom had a new doctor to refer me to. I was already close to a breakdown over this whole situation and still no relief in sight. So, I called this latest doctor and made an appointment.

She didn't do much poking. We sat in her office and talked for an hour. I was completely honest about every single thing that could possibly be affecting me including my recreational drug use. I really had never been honest about that to anyone. She put my Catholic guilt at ease and said that none of that had anything to do with what was going on with me. She ordered an MRI of my brain that was to be done later that evening. I asked my Mom to go with me. I have always been extremely healthy so this situation made me uncomfortable. I needed my mommy to go with me.

Stay tuned for the continuation of my story.....

Meandering Along

Well. That was a sobering realization. I have not realized that I have not posted since the beginning of this year. I guess that will give me a bit to chat you all up about this evening. Let's see...back to the first of the year.....

I don't think I can recollect the events that far back with any real sense of clarity. I'll just give you the bulleted version. I did hit another plateau and then decided events should take another turn. As I always seem to do.

I gave my career some real thought and weighed in the writing that I do so love. There are not many things that I have been able to do during the somewhat mundane, yet gratifying, daily grind. Do you know what I mean? I had the blessing of a six month sabbatical from full-time, typical employment. Those of you that have been with me since the beginning know where I started.

I wrote a book.

 

Through the course of the struggles of this year, I lost contact with my PR contact and have done absolutely nothing to promote my own piece of work. The book is now available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. However, what good is that if I don't expend any energy to make it what I DREAM of it to be? I envision a series of fictional stories that are so intertwined that one ALMOST wants to see a new soap opera hatch!

The other day at work, a new friend of mine and I were comparing notes and it was phenomenal the things that we had accomplished that we had completely forgotten about. He's a published photographer and quite talented if I say so myself. At any rate, it was a very sobering moment that I have, again, lost myself. Yeah, I'm good at the job I do now. Sure, I'm making enough money to support the lifestyle that I want for Little Mister. It's just that between getting up at 5:15 a.m. every morning and retiring for the day by 9:30 p.m. and all that goes on in between those hours, I find myself exactly where I always seem to end up.

The roses continue to bloom and fade away with each season, yet I can hardly fathom the way they smell.

After another wake up conversation with my sister and her dearest friend prior to the realization last week that I'm losing time, yet again, I decided to do something about it. 2013 has not been a loss by any stretch of the imagination but I still have that little voice on my shoulder saying, "Psst. What are you doing?" That little voice is me. I have listened so many times and really achieved true happiness. So, I listened to not only my little subconscious voice but considered the voices of those that care about me and have seen the transformation from happiest person ever to the me that lives wearing black all the time and coloring my hair several shades darker than normal.

I did it. I applied at a publishing house. I felt pretty amazed with myself putting everything down in writing that I have accomplished. I have been published a couple of times. I did finish college again in July this year and have the credentials of MBA to brag about. I have really had some good experience that has brought my writing skill from good ability to transition thoughts to words to true professional writer. After I wrote my letter of intent, I knew I was headed back toward the path I want to be on.

I am a mother, first and foremost. I make time to try and date but it doesn't work out because I am just not willing to share my life. So, I typically just hang out and help my sister take care of our home (One of the big events of the year. We combined households for the betterment of all.) We do watch a lot of t.v. Haha. So as my brain becomes a little jellied, I have to pick up my creative pen again, so to speak, and do more before I can't do anything at all.

I did express that I am open to whatever role I may be useful for with this publishing house. I don't care if they want me to  bring the editors coffee every Saturday morning. I just want to get my foot in the door so I can learn everything there is to know about this business.

I do have plenty more to talk about but I'll save something for future blogging, like maybe tomorrow. Stay tuned.....

...And babies don't keep

 

 

As you know I have a sappy, sentimental side. I had one of those moments the other night. My baby boy is creeping up on five years old. For those that are parents, it is well known and obsessively discussed how fast children grow up. It is a topic that is as common as the weather for silence filling conversation. How often do we actually delve into the moment? How often do you hold your children and try to memorize what their scent is? So many tragedies of late... So many horrific things that happen that cause us to look around us and have MOMENTS of appreciation. Life moves so fast. Our days are consumed with responsibility and demands.

 

The other night I actually took the time to really enjoy my baby. I try to take the time to do this. It usually happens if I am feeling guilty for not spending enough time with him. I have an eternally guilty conscience. I am one of those people that will dwell on things that I feel I could have or should have handled differently. Well, the other night I was being particularly hard on myself. I was reflecting on the tone of voice that I've been guilty of using. I thought back to a couple of times that I've squashed excitement because I was in a bad mood or just didn't feel like being patient. At any rate.

 

Little Mister was watching television in my bed. I figured he was long gone from the world of wakefulness but he wasn't. He was snuggled up, watching a show and smiled his sweet, innocent, unconditionally loving smile at me and popped his thumb in his mouth. I have started to cringe at bed time when the thumb comes out because I immediately think of the orthodontia bill his comfort will cost me later. He asked if he had to go to his bed and I, for a change, said, "No, baby. You can fall asleep with me tonight." Yes, he has slept with me most nights of his life. I didn't intend to practice co-sleeping but that is a luxury I absolutely have not sharing my bed. He will graciously sleep in his room more often than not now but I wanted to have him near me to satiate my need to relieve the guilt of not being his best as often as I should have lately. So, I turned on my 20 minute slumber music. I told him to roll over on his side so I could hold him. I wrapped my arms around his little body and nuzzled my face up to his hair. I tried my best to memorize his smell and thought of all the fun and wonderful things he and I have done together.

 

As my mind started to slow down for sleep, I kept reminding myself that this moment would one day be lost. One day very soon, he wouldn't want to fall asleep with me nor would he fit in the cradle of my arms. It was just yesterday that I rocked him to sleep and he couldn't look me in the eye and say, "I love you, Momma." It was hours ago that he didn't know the alphabet or how to count to thirty. Just moments ago...

 

One day I will be trying to conjure the memories of what he was like when he was four. Am I going to forget as much as I have about my own childhood? Already, there are an endless amount of photos to capture moments but do I have enough? Will I be able to remember every moment?

 

Then comes the harsh reality that no times is guaranteed. There are so many in this world that have experienced the heart ache and unimaginable loss that I don't even have the nerve to try to aptly cover in the typewritten word. It is impossible to alleviate or understand a pain that I can't even begin to comprehend. That being said, I will forever treasure every possible moment that I can. Figuratively and literally, I will rock my baby because babies don't keep.

Do you trust Monday?

I really have felt inspired to write lately. Here's the thing or things, if you will, where is the time? I do miss the few days I actually got to make my own schedule and do as I pleased with my time. It really was glorious. I would never give back those few precious months. I did what I wanted. I spent time alone, time with friends and, most importantly, time with my son. Those were days that will never come again and can never be replaced. It makes my adrenaline soar to think back on that last summer. Do you know what the coolest thing is? I have a new motivation. I have a new dream and now I am full of hope.

Have you ever been in a dark place and not realized it until it was a memory? I think back on the several years that I really thought I was advancing. I thought I had a plan, a goal. Did I? Apparently not. So, here I sit now. I finally have a grip on what life has brought me to this time. I have a consistent schedule. There are consistent demands of my time. Is it a dream come true? No, not really. I won't complain though. I was afforded a memory that I now dream of becoming permanent. There is nothing I want more in my life now than to be independent of constraint.

As you all must be aware, I did write a book in my previously granted "free" time. I got word from the publisher at the end of last week, that the pre-order shipment is headed to me for signatures. Then, I got an email from the marketing and promotions team. I have a lot of work to do now! I heard that the real work doesn't start until after the book is written. I really had no idea. I have so much to do. So, now I'm back at work full-time, working on my MBA, being a Mom, living life and now I have this part-time job of working on my book promotions! Haha. It is great. I am living life to the fullest. Now I just need to get to work on the rest of the books I have planned to make this a real series.

Order the first of the series here: http://inkwellproductions.com/shamed.htm

Something else cool that I recently realized about myself is that I do think in pictures. I know, kind of weird. I realized this when my four year old was drawing and he told me he was writing a story. A light bulb went off in my head... I thought, "Oh wow. I do the same thing!" The difference is that I know how to write the words that populate with the pictures and he isn't quite there. I guess this capability I have discovered in myself is where my creativity lies. People have told me I'm creative. I have tried so many different avenues to prove my creative ability. I've drawn, scrapbooked, made jewelry and I have at least tried a dozen or more arts and crafts related things and absolutely nothing turns out the way I envisioned. I actually started to think that I have no creativity. Then, I remembered that writing is an art as well. I can crank out some words now. School has been such an easy task for me. While some people struggle to spit out a paragraph or two, I can crank out pages without even thinking twice. Most of the time I don't even proof very well. If I didn't get a red squiggly line under a word, there must not be any mistakes. I managed to write my entire first draft of a book, for the love of heaven, in about two weeks. Any way. My point here is, discover yourself! I do believe that everyone has something that they can do that is creative. Some people are good with make up while others can put together a stellar living room ensemble. Have you figured out what you are good at? There is something so gratifying about doing something and just knowing that you did it well. Go on, give it a try!

As you may know, I can go on and on. I'll leave you now but not for long! Keep dreaming and stay tuned....

Have you wondered?

I have felt so neglectful. I haven't written here. I haven't been very active with my Facebook fan page. I haven't been an 'A' student lately. What have I been doing? Well, I started a new job that is really fantastic! I dropped my pay by about  50% of what I am used to, moved in with my Mom and moved back across the metroplex. Sounds kinda....like a bad idea, doesn't it? Well, it has been one of the best things I have done in my life to date. This job I took is absolutely amazing. The people there are awesome and they think I am, too. Pretty cool. Since I moved in with Mom, bills have pretty well ceased and I can afford to make less money and send Little Mister to a stellar Pre-K for my last chance of preparing him for the real world and career of school.

As life has changed, there have been a lot of things to get accustomed to. I never thought I would have an hour to and an hour from commute again but there it is. I am so lucky to have the sister and nephew that I have. Pretty ironic that as they moved out of Mom's, we moved in. So, they are living really near my work place and we spend a couple of nights a week there to break up the monotony of the drive and schedule. So, all in all, it is all working out splendidly.

It has taken a few months to get used to not having our own life, so to speak, but this really does feel surprisingly better now that I'm used to it. I've set new goals and am preparing for the future. I often wonder how many times one person can start over and I guess that is what is fantastic about life. As long as you are breathing and thinking, you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself as many times as you would like! Some people have judged me as being flighty or spastic or irresponsible. I thumb my nose at them and pat myself on the back for never being afraid to try to do anything. If the worst thing that can happen is that I fail and have to try something else, so be it. I know, without a doubt, that I will never look back and regret that I didn't try something. I will never look back and wish that I had. I will never look back and wonder what if. I give everything my best and if my best isn't good enough there, it will be better applied some where else. I feel that this holds true for every aspect of life. Some people do flourish with consistency and consistent effort and doing the same thing every day. It does work for some. I'm just not one of those people. I've never really had a plan other than to live and enjoy life hoping that I stumble on some mild success along the way. So, I know what all I have accomplished thus far in life and I know that I will have more successes as life continues on.

I am pretty certain that I will never win the lottery, you know, wake up rich but I have enough things planted out there that I just might have a tremendous harvest one day. Even if I never have a pocket full of money, I know that my heart is happy and that is priceless.

My words to you today are to be true to yourself. Never be afraid to shake things up. It is true that even the best laid plans might not work out but never give up. Dig your heels back in and you will cross a finish line. It may never be the one you imagined but sometimes what you find is better than anything you ever could have planned for. Don't be afraid to reinvent yourself. I know I've told you all that before. It takes courage and strength to do it but we all have it inside, we just have to let it out. Stay tuned....

The only thing consistent in life is inconsistency.

Do you ever get the feeling that you need to just word vomit and get stuff out of your head? Yeah, well, I do. I've been mulling over a lot the last several weeks. I feel like I can't even vent here now. I know of a couple of people, at least, that are watching what I do and what I say and figuring ways to hold it against me. I figure that my safest path is silence. I definitely don't like the feeling of being censured. Many of you have been following what I say for a few months now and it makes me feel pretty cool to know what I say is appreciated enough to be read by at least a few.

This year has been pretty tumultuous. I've had more opportunities than I ever dreamed would be availed to me. I have enjoyed the absolute freedom of making decisions based on want not necessity. Yes, there were some things that HAD to be done just like always happens but I feel so incredibly lucky to have had the chance to try different things out. Here I am many months later with a book being published, a son starting pre-k, a family that is there for me no matter what, a perfect job and some of the best friends (new and old) I could have ever dreamt of.

As I tell you all of this and try to find the silver lining that I always manage to find, I feel these dark shadows beginning to envelop me. As you know, I spend a lot of time self-reflecting and I can't exactly figure out where this darkness is rooting or where it originated. Have things gone just as I always planned? Uh, no. They never seem to. I have learned through the years how to embrace the good moments even if the final product doesn't turn out just as imagined. If I allow myself to dwell on the negative, I feel myself falling into a realm of despair. I'm not going to do it. I refuse. I just need to take some time to come to grips with what is, what was, what will never be. I need to dig my heels in and turn the corner of this new path I am on.

I guess I want you all to know that if you ever do feel hopeless, it happens to all of us at some point or another. Just remember you're not alone. I forgot how much energy a full-time job takes from your being, too. This has been one hard adjustment! I, honestly, don't know if I will ever get "used" to it.

I will still dream of the day that my days are mine. I will still dream of the days that I live in the mountains and spend my days writing novels. It can happen. Stay tuned....

You know you want to.

Greetings and salutations!!! It has been a busy summer. I feel like I need to get an update out there about what has been going on. The book I accidentally wrote earlier this year is ready for preorder sales! Look below for the link to purchase your limited, first edition that will be numbered and signed by the author (me). The coolest thing is that it will be a collector's item. So click the linky link and get yours ordered.

http://inkwellproductions.com/shamed.htm

A good friend of mine also made this cool trailer to help with the book. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GpXPLFq3NY&feature=youtu.be&noredirect=1

It has been an amazing summer. I have had a lot of time with friends and family. It has been awesome getting to spend time with Little Mister and hang out with his cousin. Yeah, there have been some things that have not been super BUT there have been numerous opportunities to grow and learn.

I am getting comfortable with a new place in life. I'm still not exactly sure where it is going, but I am fully on board for the ride. I always knew that I had a writing gene in me. I am oh so thankful to have had the opportunity to finally pursue that dream. I have been ridiculed by a few and supported by many. I don't know if this first book (and the sequel in progress) are my final place as far as genre goes, but it is a start. I think over the careers of some of my idols, Stephen King and Anne Rice particularly, and I don't think my start is too far off. You all know that I believe in dreams and dreaming things into existence. It is possible. Who knows? I could be big stuff one day! And to think, I got my start writing romance. Ha! I really hope you all buy this book. I'm thinking the sequel will be out sooner than later and hopefully I have managed to attract an audience!

Keep dreaming and stay tuned....