Tuesday, February 14, 2017

MS = My Story

I haven't blogged in so long and now I am changing the purpose. I've been told that my blog is akin to an online diary. That's true I suppose and I don't feel that to be entirely negative. My inside voice is always talking and this is my venue to get it out. Maybe I won't lose sleep over things like zombie apocalypses and that one song that I can't remember what it's called but loved it in high school because those are important things to ponder at three in the morning, right? I digress... The topic I plan to center my online diary a.k.a. blog around now is Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and my oh so personal experience with it.

I have decided that life is a roller coaster. There is no way around it. If one is living at all there are always ups and downs and spirals and things that will make you yearn for two feet to be on the ground and the world to just hold the hell still for a few minutes. If you are LIVING, life will take your breath. There will be moments embedded all over the place that when you look in that rear view mirror you will want to smile, laugh, cry, REMEMBER. I think we have all read that life is measured by moments and I am here to say that is an absolute piece of solid, epic truth.
Rewind my memory...September 11th, 2001. Everyone remembers the day. There is no doubt. I always joke that important things in my life need to happen on holidays or days that are marked some other way so I don't forget. Like I would forget a day that something important happened to me! Ha... Back to the story. I woke up that morning because my home phone was ringing off the hook! I had called in to work because I just wasn't feeling right. That was possibly self induced. More on that much later. The job I had at the time was near downtown Dallas and happened to be right around the corner from the World Trade Center. The part of my frontal lobe that developed at around age twenty five was still immature and I was very self involved. I, honestly, didn't realize that those two really tall buildings in New York City were THE World Trade Center. I have no idea how that piece of geographical, historical information was obliterated from my thinker but it was missing. So, my phone was ringing because my Mom was calling me. She kept saying, "They are bombing the World Trade Center!!" Selfish me kept thinking what a blessing it was that I had called in to work. Then, I turned the TV on. The 2nd most traumatic event I saw on television was the space shuttle blowing up when I was in 2nd grade. To date, nothing will ever erase the first images I saw of either incident for sure but 9/11 images are forever emblazoned in my conscious thoughts as seems to be the case for so many people. Not to detract any amount of any emotion for anyone in relation to this catastrophic event but that was also the day I realized that my left eye ball wouldn't stop moving.

I had no idea how to describe what was happening nor did I know what on Earth to do about it. I waited a few days before I really tried to grab my Mom's attention with this weird roving eye ball situation. Once I told her what was going on, I had doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I cannot recall how many docs I saw over the next month. The only test that really stands out in my mind was worse than what I imagined Chinese water torture to be. This doctor was convinced I had some ear infection that was affecting my optic nerve. The water torture concluded and there was nothing notably wrong. At this point, I had to keep my eye closed in order to function. Following this last round of physicians and testing, Mom had a new doctor to refer me to. I was already close to a breakdown over this whole situation and still no relief in sight. So, I called this latest doctor and made an appointment.

She didn't do much poking. We sat in her office and talked for an hour. I was completely honest about every single thing that could possibly be affecting me including my recreational drug use. I really had never been honest about that to anyone. She put my Catholic guilt at ease and said that none of that had anything to do with what was going on with me. She ordered an MRI of my brain that was to be done later that evening. I asked my Mom to go with me. I have always been extremely healthy so this situation made me uncomfortable. I needed my mommy to go with me.

Stay tuned for the continuation of my story.....

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